If it's broken, it needs fixing!
Well hello everyone. It’s
been a while hasn’t it?
Living what I consider to be a happy and full life – I am feeling good about things. We have bought a lovely new home in a beautiful part of the country; our family is growing; David and I working together serving God in our church and community, plus my arthritis has improved immensely – the future is looking good.
November 2018.......
Consultation room, University Hospital Crosshouse, Kilmarnock.
“We have the results of your
biopsy.....
......... endometrial cancer ....... so we have added you to the waiting list for a total hysterectomy......we are looking at you having the operation the first week in December.....”
......... endometrial cancer ....... so we have added you to the waiting list for a total hysterectomy......we are looking at you having the operation the first week in December.....”
And there in the room sat the four of us........myself, David, Michelle (Nurse) and Gillian – my MacMillan nurse!
WHAM!
I wasn’t expecting that.
All I could focus on was the
‘C’ word.
Not the fact that I had just
been diagnosed with cancer – no –
the ‘C’
word at the forefront of my mind at that time was
CHRISTMAS!!!
CHRISTMAS!!!
We had plans.
All the family were coming to stay with us.
Ezra’s first Christmas too – I was looking forward to so many cuddles, pushing the pram, crawling around the floor with him...
The first Christmas we would all be together.
I wanted to make it extra special for everyone.
Then reality hit.
All the family were coming to stay with us.
Ezra’s first Christmas too – I was looking forward to so many cuddles, pushing the pram, crawling around the floor with him...
The first Christmas we would all be together.
I wanted to make it extra special for everyone.
Then reality hit.
The tears began
to fall.
------------------oooOOOooo-----------------
Now I could continue writing on all things 'hysterectomy', however this is not a blog for self pity, sympathy seeking, or doom and gloom because these are not part of my story.
This is a blog about my journey of brokenness and healing.
All the photos in this blog hold a particular significance to me and have played a part in my journey - from diagnosis to today.
Some of my photos may seem quite random - but I hope some readers will identify with them, and can assure you that the memories they evoke still bless me today.
Some of my photos may seem quite random - but I hope some readers will identify with them, and can assure you that the memories they evoke still bless me today.
Interspersed amongst my photos and writing, you will see verses from the Bible.
I make no apologies.
I make no apologies.
Each verse was sent to me by personal message or written in cards during my 'journey'.
Each one has been an integral part of my recovery.
So where to start?
Let me begin by saying that this is my story and should not be compared with anyone elses hysterectomy journey. Many women go through this operation for many different reasons and in most
cases it isn’t usually assigned to anything serious. My situation was different –
I have now become part of the statistical ratios in the world of cancer.
My Story
Tuesday 6th November 2018
Despite feeling incredibly well, I kind of knew what the outcome of my consultation was going to be before I arrived at the hospital - it's not everyday you open your Daily Readings and are met with this title jumping out of the page at you...
Not quite the same context but I took the words of Jeremiah 33 vs 6 as God’s promise for me, and I still treasure them in my heart.
Jeremiah 33 vs 6 "Nevertheless, I will bring health and healing to it; I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security."
Now as absurd as this may sound, my diagnosis wasn’t worrying me – I was given the above promise on the morning of my diagnosis. Those words continue to sustain me.
Now as absurd as this may sound, my diagnosis wasn’t worrying me – I was given the above promise on the morning of my diagnosis. Those words continue to sustain me.
Receiving the results and a lovely bundle of bedtime reading from the hospital - my prayer was for total and
complete healing – no half measures!
BUT....
Did I have enough faith to
believe that?
This was some mountain to move!
I always take time out of each day - my quiet time.
I read the Bible, I reflect, I pray - yet this was something else!
Did I have enough faith to move this mountain in front of me?
How do you have enough faith to move mountains?
I needed a miracle!
Total and complete healing - no half measures Lord!
Tip 1!
If you are facing a mountain - get yourself an army!
Faithful friends who are faith-full in prayer.
Praying family members.
and hand pick your Prayer warriors.
(Thank you - you know who you are)
Just one more sign Lord - I need to know for sure...
Then this card arrives....
This was some mountain to move!
 |
| "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord. "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11 |
I always take time out of each day - my quiet time.
I read the Bible, I reflect, I pray - yet this was something else!
Did I have enough faith to move this mountain in front of me?
How do you have enough faith to move mountains?
I needed a miracle!
Total and complete healing - no half measures Lord!
Tip 1!
If you are facing a mountain - get yourself an army!
Faithful friends who are faith-full in prayer.
Praying family members.
and hand pick your Prayer warriors.
(Thank you - you know who you are)
And so, backed by my 'army', I continued with my daily quiet time and Bible readings with more intensity than I have ever known.
I felt so well - so what is all this about Lord?
Maybe the hospital was mistaken?
No.
I had the results.
It was broken and it needed fixing.
Then it started...every day for the week following my diagnosis I was blessed out of my socks with the passages I was reading.
Wednesday 7th November 2018
"I will heal my people and will let them enjoy abundant peace and security."
Jeremiah 33 vs 6
Jeremiah 33 vs 6
Thursday 8th November 2018
I love God's sense of humour in my life....this happens so often, maybe that's the best way to make me listen?
"I will save you"
Friday 9th November 2018
"Your life will be spared and all will go well for you" Jeremiah 38:20
WOW! thank you Lord!
WOW! thank you Lord!
Saturday 10th November 2018
Just one more sign Lord - I need to know for sure...
"I will save you"
Oh it's that same message again......"I will save you".....
I believe it, yet let me trust you just a little bit more Lord.
"What do I need to do to convince you?"
I believe it, yet let me trust you just a little bit more Lord.
"What do I need to do to convince you?"
Sunday 11th November 2018
'Come on and Celebrate!?!?' Really Lord??
Celebrate?
Now this was unbelievable!
Or was it?
Now this was unbelievable!
Or was it?
This was the confirmation I needed.
All was going to be ok.
This was amazing!
But as a person who likes to be in control of things, I was still striving to reach that point of total, complete and utter trust in God.
"Strengthen my faith in You Lord, because I can't sort this out on my own"
God's perfect timing!
All I had to do was Trust without doubt.
How do I do this?
Monday 12th November
Listening to my 'epic worship playlist', I lost myself in music and worship for a while.
One song was resonating with me.
Enter stage right......Hillsongs (100 Billion X)
'God of Your promise
You don't speak in vain
No syllable empty or void'
Monday 12th November 2018
Breaking inside - I needed to go back to the place where it all began for me.
Take me back to the beginning Lord - remind me of what You have done for me.
'God of salvation
You chased down my heart
Through all of my failure and pride
On a hill You created
The light of the world
Abandoned in darkness to die
And as you speak
A hundred billion failures disappear
Where You lost Your life so I could find it here.'
Broken.
Tears.
Trust.
"My hand will sustain him; surely My arm will strengthen him" Psalm 89:21
All I had to do was Trust without doubt.
How do I do this?
Monday 12th November
Listening to my 'epic worship playlist', I lost myself in music and worship for a while.
One song was resonating with me.
Enter stage right......Hillsongs (100 Billion X)
'God of Your promise
You don't speak in vain
No syllable empty or void'
If you are not familiar with this song you can hear it here: So Will I
Take me back to the beginning Lord - remind me of what You have done for me.
'God of salvation
You chased down my heart
Through all of my failure and pride
On a hill You created
The light of the world
Abandoned in darkness to die
And as you speak
A hundred billion failures disappear
Where You lost Your life so I could find it here.'
Broken.
Tears.
Trust.
------------------oooOOOooo-----------------
So back to that 'C' word - Christmas!
Diagnosis on 6th November - Operation scheduled for 10th December.
Instructions had been given as to what I would not be able to do post op.
No lifting, No bending, No stretching, No driving, No pushing, No pulling. No housework, No lifting the kettle!
So Christmas just around the corner and
I wouldn't be
Baking
Cuddling Ezra
Christmas shopping
Cooking Christmas dinner
Driving or travelling anywhere
Doing the big Christmas food shop
Pushing Ezra in his pram
Wrapping or unwrapping heavy presents......
OK that's enough!
You get the picture.
I had to get my skates on!
One month to sort all things Christmas.
A whirlwind of baking, sorting, buying presents, wrapping presents, posting presents.
Writing and posting Christmas cards, preparing meals for the freezer,
All done by 9th December.....!
So Christmas was sorted!
But I also needed to plan for my recovery....
I was told I would need to rest as much as possible post surgery
and I wouldn't be lifting anything heavier than a cup of tea for a good while...
so a recovery plan began to take shape....
Winter pansies bought and potted up for me to admire with my cuppa....
Wool bought ready to start a new crochet project.....
Colouring book and crayons - all ready to while away the hours....
DVDs all ready for a good few weeks of afternoon viewing with my feet up.....
and walking.....apparently the best form of exercise to aid recovery.
Sorted!
So Monday 10th December....9.00am...first on the list.
I walked down to theatre with an immense sense of peace surrounding me.
"My peace I give to you" John 14:27
Operation Monday - Home Wednesday.
I was blessed with so many 'God-incidences', throughout my short stay in hospital, far too many to document in this blog, yet far too important not to acknowledge.
At this point I want to thank everyone who has travelled with me on my journey
to those who sent messages, cards, chocolates, plants, flowers....
to those who fed me, entertained me, sat with me whilst David was away, phoned me, messaged and text me, visited me, chauffeured me.....
to those who baked, cooked, cleaned, shopped, washed, ironed, dried my hair....
stripped and made beds, moved furniture,
played Dixit, Yahtzee, Othello and Dominoes with me .....
for those who prayed with me....
for those who have walked with me during the day,
and for those who have walked with me as the sun set...
....for those who laughed with me...
and for those who cried with me...
For those who made Christmas happen ......
and thanks to those who packed Christmas away again...
I also want to apologise to anyone who was anticipating a different type of Christmas to the one they got -
I'm truly sorry.
------------------oooOOOooo-----------------
Christmas was over, family were all back in their respective homes and I was exhausted!
How could this be?
I had done nothing apart from eat, drink and be waited on.
So now it was time to implement my recovery plan.....
Oh how naive I was!
The pansies....well sadly the frost got the better of them...so my view outside wasn't quite what I anticipated....
Crochet started before my op....
and Crochet after the op........
there it sat untouched, five weeks had passed by.....
I had neither the energy nor brain power to concentrate on following a pattern....
The colouring book and crayons...
well how did I possibly think I could sit and colour?
No chance of sitting with it on my knee, or sitting at the table for any length of time.
The DVDs? Well I put them in, started watching and then zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
So I was left with walking...
My first milestone was to get my own boots on..
then I managed to get to the end of the drive...
This was going to be a long winter.
Frustration.
Tiredness.
"But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds" declares the Lord. Jeremiah 30:17
But when Lord?
The operation was successful - but what about the cancer?
Did I trust God enough for that "complete healing - no half measures"?
Did I have enough faith to Trust Him unequivocally?
I knew I needed to return to worship.
Enter stage left.....Lauren Daigle (currently my favourite female artist)
I will trust
'When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You...
I will trust, I will trust, I will trust in You.'
This song quickly became my battle cry!
Worship turned to thankfulness
I will trust in You - Thank you Lord.
Tip 2:
When you least feel like thanking God,
Be thankful.
Thankfulness precedes great miracles!
(One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp)
I had to remind myself that like the broken ceramics I was not a victim of my circumstances but through this I would come out the other side stronger.
"I am the Lord who heals you." Exodus 15:26
So here I am at the start of week 9 post op recovery.
Nine weeks along and I am recovering well.
I know that some women are left in pain following a hysterectomy, thankfully I don't fall into this category, however most days around 3pm my brain goes into woolly mode and the need to rest becomes a necessary objective - any excuse for an afternoon nap!
My only fears now - overexcited unleashed dogs on the beach and wayward shopping trolleys in Morrisons!
A few weeks ago I would have said it's proving to be a long winter; impatient with myself for not being able or allowed to do things. Some days I felt full recovery was just a distant dream.
However despite the constant battle with fatigue, I have shifted my focus - it is no longer about what I can't do - but more about what I can do.
I believe God set me aside at the busiest time of the year (and church calendar) for a purpose.
He had me just where He wanted me at that particular time.
What has this journey taught me?
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12
I had to wait on God - I was not in control;
to trust Him wholly and completely with everything that mattered to me;
to be thankful even when I was at my lowest;
to ask for forgiveness;
and to pray and continue praying until my prayers are answered.
Embracing the 'broken' me has enabled me to shift my focus...
...sometimes it is too easy to sit at home taking each day as it comes,
but is that what God wants of me as a believer?
I don't believe it is.
I believe He can make beauty out of brokenness, we become stronger and more resilient if we change our focus.
I still have questions of God
yet am convinced that my journey is all part of a bigger plan...
I have no idea what this looks like, but when I do I will thank God for it.
Week 9 and I have now achieved 2.6 miles on my 'there and back' beach recovery walks -
I have a way to go yet to return to pre-op activity level, but I will do it.
Week 9 and four completed baby blankets later, my concentration levels are progressing well.....(anyone need a baby blanket? Not sure what I am going to do with all these!)
One final note....I want to encourage any readers out there to take action - you maybe feeling the healthiest you have ever been, but.....if there are any changes to the 'norm' regardless of how insignificant it may appear at the time, don't ignore it, go and speak to your GP.
Diagnosis on 6th November - Operation scheduled for 10th December.
Instructions had been given as to what I would not be able to do post op.
No lifting, No bending, No stretching, No driving, No pushing, No pulling. No housework, No lifting the kettle!
So Christmas just around the corner and
I wouldn't be
Baking
Cuddling Ezra
Christmas shopping
Cooking Christmas dinner
Driving or travelling anywhere
Doing the big Christmas food shop
Pushing Ezra in his pram
Wrapping or unwrapping heavy presents......
OK that's enough!
You get the picture.
I had to get my skates on!
One month to sort all things Christmas.
A whirlwind of baking, sorting, buying presents, wrapping presents, posting presents.
Writing and posting Christmas cards, preparing meals for the freezer,
putting the tree up, decorating the house...
So Christmas was sorted!
But I also needed to plan for my recovery....
I was told I would need to rest as much as possible post surgery
and I wouldn't be lifting anything heavier than a cup of tea for a good while...
so a recovery plan began to take shape....
and walking.....apparently the best form of exercise to aid recovery.
Sorted!
So Monday 10th December....9.00am...first on the list.
I walked down to theatre with an immense sense of peace surrounding me.
"My peace I give to you" John 14:27
Operation Monday - Home Wednesday.
I was blessed with so many 'God-incidences', throughout my short stay in hospital, far too many to document in this blog, yet far too important not to acknowledge.
At this point I want to thank everyone who has travelled with me on my journey
to those who sent messages, cards, chocolates, plants, flowers....
to those who fed me, entertained me, sat with me whilst David was away, phoned me, messaged and text me, visited me, chauffeured me.....
to those who baked, cooked, cleaned, shopped, washed, ironed, dried my hair....
stripped and made beds, moved furniture,
played Dixit, Yahtzee, Othello and Dominoes with me .....
for those who have walked with me during the day,
and for those who have walked with me as the sun set...
....for those who laughed with me...
and for those who cried with me...
For those who made Christmas happen ......
and thanks to those who packed Christmas away again...
I also want to apologise to anyone who was anticipating a different type of Christmas to the one they got -
I'm truly sorry.
------------------oooOOOooo-----------------
Christmas was over, family were all back in their respective homes and I was exhausted!
How could this be?
I had done nothing apart from eat, drink and be waited on.
So now it was time to implement my recovery plan.....
Oh how naive I was!
The pansies....well sadly the frost got the better of them...so my view outside wasn't quite what I anticipated....
Crochet started before my op....
there it sat untouched, five weeks had passed by.....
I had neither the energy nor brain power to concentrate on following a pattern....
The colouring book and crayons...
No chance of sitting with it on my knee, or sitting at the table for any length of time.
The DVDs? Well I put them in, started watching and then zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz!
So I was left with walking...
My first milestone was to get my own boots on..
then I managed to get to the end of the drive...
This was going to be a long winter.
Frustration.
Tiredness.
"But I will restore you to health and heal your wounds" declares the Lord. Jeremiah 30:17
But when Lord?
The operation was successful - but what about the cancer?
Did I trust God enough for that "complete healing - no half measures"?
Did I have enough faith to Trust Him unequivocally?
I knew I needed to return to worship.
Enter stage left.....Lauren Daigle (currently my favourite female artist)
I will trust
'When You don't move the mountains
I'm needing You to move
When You don't part the waters
I wish I could walk through
When You don't give the answers
As I cry out to You...
This song quickly became my battle cry!
Worship turned to thankfulness
I will trust in You - Thank you Lord.
Tip 2:
When you least feel like thanking God,
Be thankful.
Thankfulness precedes great miracles!
(One Thousand Gifts, Ann Voskamp)
So let's go back to the beginning - If it's broken, it needs fixing.....
Physically I was broken - something wasn't right and it needed fixing.
When I received my diagnosis, I felt well and healthy, I wasn't aware anything was wrong, yet physically all was not well.
How often do we appear spiritually healthy on the outside, yet internally we are broken?
I say I believe in a God who is strong when I am weak, a God who makes me new. A God of repair, restoration and redemption and yet I have sat silent for the past 9 weeks, contemplating whether to share what only a handful of people know.
What kind of witness is that?
What kind of witness is that?
I think about the broken pottery I have been collecting on my 'recovery' beach walks; broken waiting to be transformed into something beautiful in the right hands...(no pressure - but you know who you are..!)
Time spent buffeted around the rocks and waves, smoothing rough edges, every piece is unique and beautiful in it's own right. I am giving it a new lease of life as I collect it and see beauty in it - it will never again be the item it started out as, but by embracing the imperfection, I am sure someone somewhere will be able to create something stronger and more resilient.
Monday 31st December 2018....
Telephone call from Crosshouse University Hospital:
"Hello is that Pamela? ...................
........we have some good news..............during your operation other tests were done...
....you are now cancer free, no further treatment necessary...."
........we have some good news..............during your operation other tests were done...
....you are now cancer free, no further treatment necessary...."
THANK YOU LORD!
So here I am at the start of week 9 post op recovery.
Nine weeks along and I am recovering well.
My only fears now - overexcited unleashed dogs on the beach and wayward shopping trolleys in Morrisons!
A few weeks ago I would have said it's proving to be a long winter; impatient with myself for not being able or allowed to do things. Some days I felt full recovery was just a distant dream.
However despite the constant battle with fatigue, I have shifted my focus - it is no longer about what I can't do - but more about what I can do.
I believe God set me aside at the busiest time of the year (and church calendar) for a purpose.
He had me just where He wanted me at that particular time.
What has this journey taught me?
"Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer." Romans 12:12
I had to wait on God - I was not in control;
to trust Him wholly and completely with everything that mattered to me;
to be thankful even when I was at my lowest;
to ask for forgiveness;
and to pray and continue praying until my prayers are answered.
but is that what God wants of me as a believer?
I don't believe it is.
I believe He can make beauty out of brokenness, we become stronger and more resilient if we change our focus.
I still have questions of God
yet am convinced that my journey is all part of a bigger plan...
I have no idea what this looks like, but when I do I will thank God for it.
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him;who have been called according to His purpose." Romans 8;28
By taking the time to read this blog, I am hoping you too can be part of my recovery 'journey'.
Knowing that you have read my blog is encouragement in itself as post operative recovery can be a lonely place sometimes.
Week 9 and I have now achieved 2.6 miles on my 'there and back' beach recovery walks -
I have a way to go yet to return to pre-op activity level, but I will do it.
Week 9 and four completed baby blankets later, my concentration levels are progressing well.....(anyone need a baby blanket? Not sure what I am going to do with all these!)
One final note....I want to encourage any readers out there to take action - you maybe feeling the healthiest you have ever been, but.....if there are any changes to the 'norm' regardless of how insignificant it may appear at the time, don't ignore it, go and speak to your GP.
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